Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Let's Go to the Movies!: Eat, Pray, Love


The day finally arrived. After going to Sex and the City 2 for the fortieth time ("Lawrence of My Labia!") and even settling for some artsy fartsy I Am Love bullshit (NOT a romantic comedy! Do not be fooled by the title), my visualization prayers have been answered. Eat, Pray, Love hit theaters. Ladies, we have lift off.

As devoted readers know, I frequent movie theaters solo at least once a week. I feel at home in the darkness of the theater, eating popcorn and M and Ms for dinner with a man masturbating under his jacket a few seats away. It makes me nostalgic for childhood, really. Now I don't go to the movies alone because I crave the solitude. I go because no one will go with me. It's the opposite of Eat, Pray, Love's heroine and author Elizabeth Gilbert taking a vow of celibacy before she embarks on her year- long journey around the world. Some of us don't choose celibacy. Rather, it chooses us.
If ever there were a movie to view alone, Eat, Pray, Love is it. The haute bourgeois- Caucasian- middle- age- foodie- porno implores women to do things like abandon responsibility and guilt and treat yourself to the decadence of a matinee. Because girlfriend, you are worth it! So of course I went with Brooke D. We went equipped with all the requisite Eat, Pray, Love gear: vision boards, crystals, journals, yoga mats, and my color prescription from my chromotherapist. Burnt sienna brings good tidings.
Needless to say, there were so many women in the audience that our cycles synced up by the end of the film. I'm surprised we didn't all go Sapphic. Save, of course, the two eunuch boyfriends dragged along by their girlfriends. I have such a problem with this sort of thing for a few reasons.

1. Why do you want your boyfriend there? There's always the one weird girl in the group who insists on dragging her boyfriend along to all the birthday dinners where he's the only guy at a table of gays and girls and you're like, "Really? Must we force this guy to endure a three- hours discussion on whether it is ok to get a Brazilian while you have your period?" Seeing how your friends actually are will not make him like you more, it will make him like you less. Leave him at home for an evening. More cake for me!
2. Doing girl things with straight guys is a major turn- off. You may as well hand a guy his balls on a silver platter if you want to go shopping or see chick flicks together. Not hot. That's what gays are for. And they will tell you that yes, you do look fat in the dress.

3. What kind of horrible life/ relationship talk will you have to have after the themes of the movie that include but are not limited to: divorce, self- discovery, getting fat, marriage, and God? Gross.

But apparently like most things in love, I am wrong. I guess one woman's self- obsessed indulgence is another woman's aphrodisiac, because one couple sucked some serious face before the lights dimmed, throwing Brooke D into a blitzkrieg of unadulterated rage and jealousy. She threw popcorn and yelled "Stop! Stop!" until they came up for air. She then proceeded to chew a cup of ice through the entirety of the movie, forcing myself and those surrounding to change seats.

There's so much to say about what's wrong with Eat, Pray, Love: the white person- ness of the whole endeavor, like the fact that Julia Roberts and James Franco are the most unbelievable couple of all time. She look like his mama.Or the floppy straw hat our heroine wears in Italy, which is not a small tragedy. But that's like totally redundant and you can read that in any other review. There are a lot of good things about this movie too. Like how Julia spends a good portion of screen time sitting on a eating gelato by herself like a big time creep. I can relate with that. Or the part when she says, "I'm having a relationship with my pizza." Isn't that sweet to resurrect the punchline of every Cathy comic strip ever, just in time for the cartoon's final run after 34 years? Or finding Signor Right in the jungle where he cooks for you and says stuff like "You don't need a man, you need a champion"? I don't really know what that means, but I think it's about empowerment. Because shouldn't everything be about personal empowerment? I think I'll do some journaling around that quote after I have a good cry. I love being a girl.