Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Worst Person in the World: A Character Sketch

Jeff JK is my mortal enemy. Here he is in his natural habitat: a bar, looking smug and disinterested in me. Notice the beady eyes in imperious gaze averted above fashion glasses. From the moment we met, Jeff JK showed me nothing but indifference. INDIFFERENCE! Most people usually hate me immediately, as they have "low self- esteem," and a handful love me (often gay men). I always fancied myself a polarizing figure, but Jeff JK just ignores me, pays me no mind, looks away, shrugs his shoulders and goes back to discussing Foucault's theory of panopticism. I hate Jeff JK! Here are some reasons why:

1. He was NEVER mesmerized by me, even when I dropped knowledge about Gilded Age utopian societies.

When I first met Jeff JK, he was writing a Master's thesis examining the welding practices of the Oneida community (or something, his facial hair distracted me: ironic or earnest? You decide.), and when I was all, "Oh, you mean John Humphrey Noyes and Millennialism? That Oneida community?" He just sighed like I was exhausting him with such trifles and was like, "Whatever." My esoteric knowledge of cults and American history gets me nowhere with Jeff JK!

2. When I complimented him on his "Carl Kassel is my press secretary" button on his jacket, he did not say thank you. He just rolled his eyes at my glib practice of paying compliments.

3. He exhibits sociopathic behaviors such as atheism and vegetarianism. Atheists are heathens and Hitler was a vegetarian.

4. See that shirt Jeff JK is wearing in the first picture? He's never even BEEN to Illinois. He couldn't even find it on a map because he spends all day identifying countries like Chechnya and East Timor in case he's ever quizzed. And that tattoo on his arm is a figure eight, which is his favorite number because seven is so cliché and nine is just foolish. He just asked the artist to do it sideways because he is countercultural.

5. Once he dropped a line from a Nick Cave song into conversation (The line was "I don't believe in an interventionist God." -- Nick Cave, "Into My Arms," The Boatman's Call, Mute Records, 1997) And I was like, "Oh wow, Nick Cave is my Aussie baby daddy, we have so much in common Jeff JK!" and Jeff JK was just like, "Shut up." (But he was serious, not playful and cute.)

6. Jeff JK went on vacation (by himself) to Scandinavia (because he is racist) to try to find a girlfriend (because he ignores me).
7. Jeff JK hates the number 7! So that's where I'll conclude, just to spite my nemesis, and maybe elicit a reaction from his stone cold heart. I wonder if any of what I said will upset him? Probably not, because he'll just be like, "What blog? Paloma who?" I HATE JEFF JK!


zoe said...

glad i met that doucheball when i had my chance. he's a charming fucker.

Anonymous said...

an sos goobloogin'

(Him, not her)

Anonymous said...

Don't worry about it. I mean, he has a mustache.