Sunday, August 30, 2009

God Bless America!

Well, I'm fresh back from a few days in our nation's capital, and I feel patriotic, goddamnit! I know patriotism isn't "cool" or whatever, but nothing inspires good- natured jingoism in our national fabric than overhearing a man staring blankly at the Washington Monument and wondering aloud, "What is that torpedo looking thing?!" True story!

And as long as you stay in the white people parts of D.C. it is, like, immaculately clean. That is one thing D.C. has no shortage of: white people. They lurk around the streets after six p.m., their ties loosened and side- parted hair slightly askew, trolling for a bar with music to which they can dance offensively. If you went to a St. John's High School Dance around 1996 and dressed the revelers in Thomas Pink shirts and gave them a sense of authority on just about anything, then you would know this type of horrible white person. Oh, and the subway or "Metro" is CARPETED! I am so glad it is not this way in New York City, despite my tendency to pass out on the train and wake up in Coney Island with inexplicable contusions in ungodly places.

I visited the National Museum of the American Indian, wherein indigenous people crafted curvy bricks to build a psychedelic structure to house their arts and culture.

And they constructed a water "feature" that you can't fuck with. What the?!
And 'lil idols (Meso- American Idols?). Simultaneously frightening and adorable. What squat limbs!

Frederick Douglass, another O.G. baby daddy. He's like Frank Sinatra on D.C.'s far less glamorous Walk of Fame.

I was appointed a Goodwill Ambassador to Mexico. Here's a snapshot from the embassy. My first assignment: befriend this handsome Mexican. I extended el mano de la amistad estadounidense para una Coca. Mission accomplished.

And here I am atop the Georgetown dorms after a brief tryst with an undergraduate paramour. I was so impressed when he showed me his Congressional intern ID badge that I bought us a 30 rack of Miller Light, and well, the rest is history. I eagerly await the arrival of McConaughey Brady Bush sometime in late May 2010, and neither can his daddy, who is super stoked about the Hoyas' big comeback this year, and that they finally stopped serving faggoty turkey burgers in the dining hall. God bless America!

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