Saturday, March 28, 2009

Barney Frank Is My Spirit Animal

According to Native American shamanism, each and every person has a spirit animal, which corresponds to an individual's personality and essence, and can also guide a lost soul in a moment of despair. I took a quiz online to determine mine- you should totally take it, pay close attention to #6- - and it turns out that my spirit animal is this handsome specimin below, the elder statesman from the Massachusetts Fourth District, Barney Frank! Ok, philistines and ignorami, Frank was the first openly gay congressman, supports bridal registration for bottoms, and wants to legalize marijuana, crystal meth, jay walking, and wearing white after Labor Day, officially.

Now this interweb- generated conclusion probably comes as much of a surprise to you as it does to me, I was certain my ebullient spirit would manifest in something rather benign and fuzzy, like a squirrel or an Easter peep or Paul Simon, but instead I get a curmudgeonly aging queen. Well, I though about it and here are the top reasons Barney is my spirit animal.

1. I am a fag hag! Barney and me would be the most fabulous girls in pearls this side of the lanai! We would lounge around in kimonos and face masks and say things to each other like, "Well, honey if that pint of cookie dough you've been clutching to your bosom is 'lo- fat and organic' then I'm Beyoncé."

2. He talks like he has a mouth full of novacaine and bologna.

3. He's a Masshole! Sure, he's dressed it up in a sort of workaday populism to appease the voting bloc that adores him, but Barney still knows that an overturned bar stool can hospitably seat Jeter and A- Rod after they have performed fellatio on one another. In the 617, we call it TITLE TOWN! Frank does not pahk his cah in Hahvahd Yahd, he yields in a rotary, has a wicked mint summer share in Dennis Port and goes candle pin bowling after a Happy Ending sundae at Friendly's.

4. We are both polarizing figures.

5. We have the same body type. I often get confused for him, lookswise. Not only is Frank my spirit animal, he's also my celebrity lookalike.

6. Watch and learn. He is charm and grace personified...

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