Saturday, July 12, 2008
My Interesting and Exciting Life
If you are reading this, then you are probably a member of my immediate family or I at one time possessed your pager number. If not, then maybe you are a member of the BLOGOSPHERE and you BLOG and you read tons of BLOGS. If you write a blog yourself, then you must also surely lead an interesting and exciting life, so sated with emotion and intrigue that you feel the need to share your glamorous pictures of you and your friends outside of Limelight, or put your personal plan for an exit strategy in Iraq into the market place of ideas. (see for example http://www.theiraqinsider.blogspot.com/ That enthusiastic young man is keeping us safe from terrorists!) As Jenny Lewis says, "Any asshole can open up a museum, put all the things he loves on display so everyone can see 'em..."
Writing a blog is really a major turn- off when pursuing members of the opposite sex. If some hotmaster and I were getting familiar, and he revealed that he was in fact the author of any kind of WEB LOG, be it political, personal, or otherwise, my thoughts would only turn to images of him honing his Magic: The Gathering skills, cavorting in short pants at a Renaissance Faire, and bringing the heat with his fantasy football league. Perhaps these negative feelings stem from the fact that technology is not my forte (obvy) and the internet is still an unknowable terrain that Al Gore invented. But more than that, blogs are a platform for self- deification, self- aggrandizement, and self- promotion: I’m IN!
The idea for this riveting, voyeuristic, postmodern account came as part of a divorce agreement from my last boyfriend. Ivana Trump gets homes, Heather Mills gets a gazillion dollars, and all I got is inspiration. But that’s because, in the words of my best girlfriend and comedian Harriett Halloway, I only date guys “who reek of poverty and arrogance.” So since living inside his asshole didn’t work out, he suggested that I take up a hobby. I guess this sheds some light on my worldview: some would see this as patronizing and condescending, but I think it is sweet and romantic. Girl, get a clue! My gardening projects also didn’t pan out, and aforementioned asshole dwelling notwithstanding, BLOG it is.
I mean, my life really is interesting and exciting. On any given day, I could be eating a Trader Joe’s frozen pizza, choreographing the Selena songbook, watching season six of the Sopranos for the umpteenth time, teasing my hair, affixing lemons to cherry trees, trying unsuccessfully to wean myself from food, and/ or planning my wedding to Marc Anthony. While all this is tragically interesting AND exciting, at some point, one has to come out from under their afghan and take a stand! Ess muss ein! That’s Kundera or German or something for It Must Be Done!
Unemployment also lends a certain exigency. To be fair, I am currently gainfully unemployed, or I am a teacher… more on that unsettling fact to follow. Lately, I have been whiling away my days testing out new sandwich recipes, catching up on my correspondence, stretching out a fifteen minute errand to Walgreen’s into a three hour event, and jumping with glee when the mailman visits. The following is an account of these interesting, exciting times.